A new (life)line of business

It was just a matter of time - I'm just sorry I didn't think of it first. Fertility consultants. According to a story in the Washington Times today, it's the hot (fairly) new profession that "helps couples navigate the maze" of fertility. Not everyone's thrilled with the idea, least of all fertility doctors, but I think it's brilliant. Someone saw the need and filled it.

The story explains that a fertility consultant is "part researcher, part consumer advocate and part sympathetic ear, among other things." It also acknowledges that couples who are just visiting the local fertility doctor probably don't need the services of a consultant, but those who are grappling with the intricacies of fertility law and surrogacy, for example, could benefit greatly from a third party.

Again, brilliant. And just one more thing to file away as a good option - career option, that is...

Things are looking up, so to speak...

Chris paid a visit to our naturopath yesterday and came home with an armful of supplements and dietary advice to help his sperm. Here's what he was told:

Dietary:

• Avoid tofu and other soy-based products
• Avoid dairy (except, oddly, aged cheese)
• Minimize gluten / wheat intake (go for kamut or spelt instead)
• Eat lots of protein

Supplements:

• Sodium Bicarbonate for sperm motility (the ability of the sperm to move)
• Antioxidants for sperm motility, volume and concentration
• Coenzyme Q10 for sperm motility, density, count and morphology

But it was the supplement tribulus terrestris that I found the most interesting. When I Googled "tribulus herb" I found websites with the hopeful names bodybuildingforyou.com, illpumpyouup.com, and my favourite, trulyhuge.com. It appears the herb is commonly used as an aphrodisiac and does wonders when it comes to increasing sex drive and impotence. In fact, it's been called "Nature's Viagra".

However, a more, ahem, refined search found that tribulus also claims to help in male reproductive functioning and sperm motility, increases the production of the hormone leading to increased testosterone levels, and increases production of seminal fluid.

Another hopeful sign: Chris is no longer training for a marathon, which he was up until two months ago. While regular exercise is beneficial to male (and female) fertility, marathon running and the associated training can alter sperm production. So now that Chris is back to a more relaxed running schedule, things are looking up in that department, too...

The cone of silence

I have fantastic friends. They're supportive, loyal and we tell each other everything. Until now. All of a sudden, there are hushed voices and whispers, innuendos and sidelong glances, all in the name of failed conception.

It's a strange phenomenon, but when people - especially close friends - know you're trying to conceive, they don't want to let you in on the news about others who have successfully achieved pregnancy. I am now the last to hear about friends of friends who are pregnant. Some of my friends have even gone as far as withholding stories, information and anecdotes about their own children.

This, of course, is nothing if not thoughtful. It's kind of like when your friend's relationship is on the rocks, the last thing you want to do is gush about how in love you are. So, I'm writing to say: it's okay. Really. I like hearing about others who have managed to get pregnant. I mean sure, the wildly competitive side of me wishes I had gotten pregnant first, but really, pregnancy is something that should be celebrated, not reduced to petty competition, right...? Right.

It's a miracle I even want a child

An old friend of mine, who is a columnist for a daily newspaper, read my blog for the first time today. He asked if I wanted his editing thoughts and I jumped at the chance. Well, "jumped" may be overstating it a bit. It was more like crept, with much trepidation. This is what he said:

It's very good the way it is, but the next dimension is making it more personal.

• More emotion - what does this struggle mean to you, your relationship?
• How does the advice of others help and/or infuriate you?
• What does it matter if you have a baby?

Balance the clinical with the personal.

As someone who has watched three close friends go through this, I know there is a lot of anguish and frustration - some very funny - as well-meaning folk try to help. I think it would put a "human face" on the whole thing.

His points are well taken, insightful even. That isn't surprising. He's a brilliant writer, a fantastic editor and knows me well. So I thought I'd explore some of his well-placed questions and see where they take me.

What does this struggle mean to you/your relationship?
I suppose it's a miracle I even want a child. For a very, very long time I didn't. My biological clock wasn't ringing and I never felt (as the Aussies call it) clucky. I wasn't the one reaching out to hold the baby and the concept of relating to a little person who couldn't engage in a logical conversation never really warmed my heart.

At the risk of sounding cliche, that all changed when I met Chris. Suddenly I wanted a tiny, illogical, screaming child all of my own. So, I was nothing if not surprised when it didn't happen the first - or eighth - month. As for our relationship, I think this process has actually strengthened it. The pursuit of a common goal (not to mention regular sex) often does that. Nine months in and we're still able to approach this with grace and humour.

How does the advice of others help and/or infuriate you?
This one's easy. If there's someone out there, anywhere, who has advice about how to make this happen, bring it. I would love to hear any and all suggestions. Of course, I've been on the receiving end of many opinions out there. One friend - who tried for 13 months before she conceived her first child - is convinced that the day I forget all about it, throw out my charts and ditch the thermometer, is the day I'll get pregnant. That's something that worked for her and it makes sense: just live life as you normally would. Not sure where that leaves my blog, but the advice is appreciated nonetheless. However, the fact of the matter is most of my friends had no trouble conceiving, so they've been wise enough to keep their advice to themselves - and in turn avoid any potential of infuriating me.

What does it matter if you have a baby?
This one's a little trickier. Why indeed? It's an excellent question. I suppose if there's something out there of meaning and that interests me, I want the opportunity to experience it. That includes being a mom. Even though my love of kids hasn't exactly overwhelmed me in the past, I always knew that one day I would want them. But really, why does anyone want kids? Is it so we can pass on our wisdom, share our learnings, experience and enjoy childhood all over again, be comforted in our old age, observe how they grow and see how they show up in the world? I guess it's a little bit of each, and much, much more.

Anguish and frustration
Anguish, nope. Frustration, yup. Living in that "in-between" place of not being pregnant and waiting to become pregnant is indeed frustrating. But I don't feel I'm at the anguish stage yet. It may come but I pray that it doesn't. I'm more at the information-gathering-exploration-hope-to-hell-it-happens-soon stage. In the meantime, this blog has provided me with an excellent opportunity to put my elusive fertility in a positive light - every month I'm not pregnant is another month I get to blog about it. Just think, when I do get pregnant, I'll have to go through the tedious task of coming up with a new name for my blog.