It's a miracle I even want a child

An old friend of mine, who is a columnist for a daily newspaper, read my blog for the first time today. He asked if I wanted his editing thoughts and I jumped at the chance. Well, "jumped" may be overstating it a bit. It was more like crept, with much trepidation. This is what he said:

It's very good the way it is, but the next dimension is making it more personal.

• More emotion - what does this struggle mean to you, your relationship?
• How does the advice of others help and/or infuriate you?
• What does it matter if you have a baby?

Balance the clinical with the personal.

As someone who has watched three close friends go through this, I know there is a lot of anguish and frustration - some very funny - as well-meaning folk try to help. I think it would put a "human face" on the whole thing.

His points are well taken, insightful even. That isn't surprising. He's a brilliant writer, a fantastic editor and knows me well. So I thought I'd explore some of his well-placed questions and see where they take me.

What does this struggle mean to you/your relationship?
I suppose it's a miracle I even want a child. For a very, very long time I didn't. My biological clock wasn't ringing and I never felt (as the Aussies call it) clucky. I wasn't the one reaching out to hold the baby and the concept of relating to a little person who couldn't engage in a logical conversation never really warmed my heart.

At the risk of sounding cliche, that all changed when I met Chris. Suddenly I wanted a tiny, illogical, screaming child all of my own. So, I was nothing if not surprised when it didn't happen the first - or eighth - month. As for our relationship, I think this process has actually strengthened it. The pursuit of a common goal (not to mention regular sex) often does that. Nine months in and we're still able to approach this with grace and humour.

How does the advice of others help and/or infuriate you?
This one's easy. If there's someone out there, anywhere, who has advice about how to make this happen, bring it. I would love to hear any and all suggestions. Of course, I've been on the receiving end of many opinions out there. One friend - who tried for 13 months before she conceived her first child - is convinced that the day I forget all about it, throw out my charts and ditch the thermometer, is the day I'll get pregnant. That's something that worked for her and it makes sense: just live life as you normally would. Not sure where that leaves my blog, but the advice is appreciated nonetheless. However, the fact of the matter is most of my friends had no trouble conceiving, so they've been wise enough to keep their advice to themselves - and in turn avoid any potential of infuriating me.

What does it matter if you have a baby?
This one's a little trickier. Why indeed? It's an excellent question. I suppose if there's something out there of meaning and that interests me, I want the opportunity to experience it. That includes being a mom. Even though my love of kids hasn't exactly overwhelmed me in the past, I always knew that one day I would want them. But really, why does anyone want kids? Is it so we can pass on our wisdom, share our learnings, experience and enjoy childhood all over again, be comforted in our old age, observe how they grow and see how they show up in the world? I guess it's a little bit of each, and much, much more.

Anguish and frustration
Anguish, nope. Frustration, yup. Living in that "in-between" place of not being pregnant and waiting to become pregnant is indeed frustrating. But I don't feel I'm at the anguish stage yet. It may come but I pray that it doesn't. I'm more at the information-gathering-exploration-hope-to-hell-it-happens-soon stage. In the meantime, this blog has provided me with an excellent opportunity to put my elusive fertility in a positive light - every month I'm not pregnant is another month I get to blog about it. Just think, when I do get pregnant, I'll have to go through the tedious task of coming up with a new name for my blog.